| tonight is not the night I want to be doubting me. |
[31 Dec 2004|11:19pm] |
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mood |
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 confused |
] |
oh all these people putting doubts in my mind this week.
insecure. dependent. overweight. fuckbuddy. wishing for something I can't have. open minded elitest.
.....is this me?
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| holiday |
[30 Dec 2004|12:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
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music |
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postal service |
] |
+ alisha driving 10.5 hours to GA, both of us on 45minutes of sleep = delirious funny as hell jokes.
+ having alisha around for the holidays
- gaining 7 pounds, ick!
- having mood swings, and not being able to take my extra medication because I'd have to get up early the next day
+ getting everything on my xmas list (harry potter dvd set, lotr dvd, plugs, hand soap, candles, jewelry, bags, certifcate to get a pedicure w/ alisha, mint green 300 tread count sheets, damn good smelling lipgloss/lotion/shower gel, beautiful jewelry box, candle holders, more jewelry, clothes from torrid)
+ spending time with all of my family
- getting some stuff I think I might sell cause it doesn't fit or doesn't fit my personality anymore
+ being able to slip in 2 gauge plugs with pure ease
+ everyone in GA being so damn nice and polite
+ all the damn hottie boys, alisha and I were drooling nonstop
+ being able to explore GA for the first time since I was a little girl
- getting cranky with alisha
+ tons of cold weather
+ being able to wear a scarf and look super cute!
- both of us snoring and keeping the other awake
+ seeing that new jim carrey movie, it was fab!
- finding out my brother's baby might have down syndrome (they are going for more tests next week)
+ being silly with the grandparents
+ reading a family tree book someone put together in the 80s, dates back to 1808
+ reading a story from the family tree book and the woman refering to black people as "darkies" .. hah!
- alisha and I having our FIRST titfit.. lasted 15minutes and then we kept hugging each other and being silly
- eating waaaaay too much
- getting stuck in serious traffic
+ being with everyone I loved, and that being all that mattered.
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[29 Dec 2004|01:56am] |
whistful in my dreams..
of you
aching for this beauty to be appreciated
to be desired
to be wanted
and touched
your skin.. my skin, infolding - together.
your kiss
on my shoulder... reaching for my neck
so soft, so blissful, delicious, and intent
no hidden satisfaction
no devious plan
just pure contentment in giving me all you can
a blossom of orgasm
and kiss on your lips
an arching back
quivering knees
dragging fingertips deep into flesh
you've wanted me
I've wanted you
you've waited for me
I come for you
so sweet your skin tastes
licking desires
dragging my tongue
sucking your soul dry
deeper and deeper
exploding inside.
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| crazy life, crazy girl |
[21 Dec 2004|05:18pm] |
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mood |
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 content |
] |
last thursday greatly showed to me how much the boy means to me. due to some recent events I've come to a realization that there are too few men out there that can love and respect a girl as much as the boy does with me. never once has he ever made me feel OBLIGATED to give back to him in any sort of way (emotional, physical, mental)... and the fact that he doesn't demand this sort of attention, makes me want to give more and more. I spent Friday evening with him and just melted into his touch. perhaps I'm picky, perhaps I'm selfish... but if I don't feel like giving you a hand job or doing anything in return to any person - then deal with it. Mike went 10 months without me touching or even looking at his penis, but all the while he was constantly giving me plenty of orgasms without bitching.. he never bitched.. never said a word.. he was content on pleasing me and making me happy, and thats all that matters. shit, even in recent days when I'm just not in the mood to give head or anything he doesn't complain.. he knows right around the corner I'm going to be in a rip-roaring turned on mood and I'll be going to town on that beautiful penis of his.
I appreciate men and women who can help a person reach an orgasm and melt into the beauty of it all, without even thinking once "what about me?".
you have my utmost respect.
Moving on. I've done about $900 worth of xmas shopping. thank god for creditcards. I have also completed 5 skirts for my piercer.. I'll have pictures of them soon hopefully. uber cute. makes me wonder what I'm doing with myself these days. I should be producing more skirts... thats for sure. didn't take me long at all and they are in damn good quality complete with a zipper ;) I need to get labels made to put into them, or atleast give her some of my biz cards to give to people if they inquire about the skirts. mhmm.
I'm overly annoyed with places like Myspace.com and hotornot.com... where people seem to think they are ment for DATING? rather amusing to me. I don't know about you guys, but I joined just to make friends... and thats that. I have a tendancy of letting things go with the flow, and never forcing or pushing relationships. it pisses me the hell off when someone IMs me from one of these sites and immediately asks me if I'm single, and what I want in a man, yada yada yada...... goodlord people you don't know a thing about me so why does this single shit and what I want in a man really matter?! You don't even know if YOU *want* ME yet! goodgod. talk about superficial and just based on looks. fuckers. then I proceed to explain my delicate situation with Michael (together but not together all at the same time - no labels - not my "boyfriend" - etc)... and they get all weary and confused and I'm like.... .LIKE IT FUCKING MATTERS?! WE DON'T KNOW EACHOTHER!! Geezus christ. (/end rant)
Alisha and I did a funny little highschool girl thing the other day. recently started talking to a Jason that Alisha apparently knew from highschool. he sounds like a lot of fun and we just bullshit online. anyways, she knew where he lived... well... a general area. so after having dinner with her folks we drove down his street honking and screaming his name. we were in the process of turning around and there he is high-tailing after us on his dirtbike. it was rather fun being young and stupid again for a few minutes :)
Alisha and I are driving 10hours to Fayetteville Georgia for holiday! woOT! we are hitting St. Augustine on the way back for a day of shopping and having fun in the oldest American city! tons of pictures I hope..
....what shall a girl have for dinner?
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| wake up wake up |
[15 Dec 2004|01:31am] |
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mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
my roomie seems to have a bit of a complex with me sleeping in ... understandably so when all her previous roomies were psychotic bitches who ended up going psycho on her (naturally) and slept all the damn time. so, sleeping in = psycho. hehe. god I love her. I suppose it doesnt help that I look all wigged out after taking my sleeping medication and the next day I'm all sorts of groggy and weirdo. one day I'm going to run out and chase her with a rubber ax right after I wake up and scream... LIZZIE BORDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hhahah. naaah, that will send her into a heart attack and I love her too dearly to do that, besides.. who else in this world can tolerate me and be my adoring roommate but her? we all have some qwerks.
I got hit on today, again. I'm starting to feel like this journal is turning into a place where I log everyone that hits on me. heh. some boy, er should I say man cause I have a habit of calling males of all ages boys, held the store door open for me and then continued to walk ahead of me... .he slowed his step and started talking to me. introduced himself, shook my hand, told me I had a beautiful face and that he loved my "nose ring". I thanked him. he asked if he could be my friend, and I told him no, that I wasnt interested. continued to lie and tell him that I was just visiting town and seeing a boy friend of mine. oops, where did that come from? I told him I appreciated the compliements greatly and to have a nice day. he was quite polite.
this was after I went and got a hair cut, which I absolutely love. no more mullet! yes yes, my hair was growing into a dreaded mullet - had to end that real quick. all the stylists told me they loved my hair coloring - thinking my hair dresser had done it - quite surprised when I told them I had done it myself. yes, I'm that good ;) sometimes I wonder if I should take up hair styling too, I think I'd be good.
I did $300 worth of xmas shopping today. Mom, dad, alei, alisha, and partly staci are taken care of. Matt (bro), sam, rest of staci, and mike are next... er tomorrow. thank god its all on the credit card otherwise my parents would have a flip. even though it was very hectic at the stores I went to, everyone was super polite and nice and cheery today, I enjoyed it!! maybe it was just my perception, but everyone was so nice to me :)
I stumbled into Fashion Bug - which use to be a horrible store - and to my amazement they had some super cute plus size stuff!! many things I wanted to grab up for myself, but they were a little pricey (ie: $42 for jeans - $50 for a jean jacket), and hopefully I have my gift cards coming my way for Lane Bryant from xmas! ohlord, I know... but Lane Bryant has actually some really cute shite on their website right now!! Anyways, Fashion Bug is now another store to go check out from time to time.
its freezing outside (and inside) and windy as hell.. our chimes are going off and they are almost always so very still. I love it<3
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| .the secret. |
[14 Dec 2004|01:37am] |
you wanted to hold my smile in your hands ....
but now.....you already have me feeling like this dream and hope is slipping through my fingers like tiny grains of sand..
.... a tear is what I handed to you.
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| stolen from miss prissy |
[09 Dec 2004|06:28pm] |
Its The End of The Year 2004 Survey! YAY!!
Your Top 10 Favorite Movies of 2004:
1. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
2. Saved!
3. Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
4. Sex & Lucia
5. Ned Kelly
6. Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
7. Farenheit 911
8. Before Sunrise / Before Sunset
9. Garden State
10. Harry Potter 3
Your Top 10 Favorite Albums of 2004 (in no order):
The Killers - Hot Fuse, The Faint - Wet from Birth
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before?
started living with a roomie I actually liked!
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make a new year's resolution?-
I didnt make one.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
my brother and his gf are preggy
4. Did anyone close to you die?
no!
5. What countries did you visit?
USa.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004?
more travel, be healthier, my own business
7. What date from 2004 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
my birthday party with alisha/sam & the aussies
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
graduating college!
9. What was your biggest failure?
fucking up my first quarter of my BFA
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
fawked up my foot recently
11. What was the best thing you bought?
my new computer - graduation gift :)
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
mike<3
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
eeyore's (ie: every seriously depressed person who's annoyed the shite out of me)
14. Where did most of your money go?
subway, subway, subway, liquor, clubs.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
my first fashion design job :) starting my BFA, having a great roomie, my birthday!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004?
that one LiL Jon song .... "to the windows and the walls, to the sweat right down these balls, all these bitches crawl..."
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter!!!
iii. richer or poorer? the same
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
stuck with my healthy attitude
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
spend money, eat shit, complain
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my family I hope (and maybe one person extra!)
22. Did you fall in love in 2004?
hell yah... heh.. again and again and again...
23. How many one-night stands?
0
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Style! Network & Charmed
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
nope, dont think I cut any ties this year.... suprisingly ;)
26. What was the best book you read this year?
Many Lives, Many Masters
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
the killers, von bondies, the stills, ...... list could go on
28. What did you want and get?
a new computer, a very good friend (spiritual level), and a roomie :)
29. What did you want and not get?
a trip to italy
30. Did you make any new friends this year?
yes.... one major one, Alisha.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
turned 23!... went to I/O with Alisha/Sam.. got completely wasted and met 4 hot aussies :)
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
that I stuck with my healthy lifestyle and lost weight!
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004?
lazy in the beginning, starting to care and dress to the nines now.
34. What kept you sane?
my kitties, my family, mike, staci, sam, alisha, cynthia.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
orlando blooooooooooom<3
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
fucking bush being a total fuck face.
37. Who did you miss?
cynthia once she moved to NYC!
38. Who was the best new person you met?
Alisha
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004:
wow, I've grown alot.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"short skirt... I look up.. up.. up"
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| ohmygod |
[03 Dec 2004|07:56pm] |
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mood |
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] |
someone PLEASE say they want to go out tonight.. I'm going insane ... need out!!
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| hott damn! |
[02 Dec 2004|01:45pm] |
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mood |
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 hot |
] |
i luv being stared at by people :)
its amazing how differently ppl look at u .. or treat u.. or check u out.. once u feel damn good bout yourself.
I can tribute this to the Aussie's who made me feel beautiful and I've been feeling beautiful ever since.... shite, I even took nekkie pics of me this morning and loved them! minus the ones I accidentally took of the walls heh. I just feel great about myself. granted I am still trying to lose some weight, but thats just for health reasons.... I'm loving my curves and the way Im dressing lately :)
hott to trott ;)
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| shes just the cutest ever!<3 |
[01 Dec 2004|01:21am] |
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mood |
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 loved |
] |
SWeEtDrOp3: I tried on Marc Jacobs shoes today for the first time ever *DROOL*
SWeEtDrOp3: $300 shoes
SWeEtDrOp3: fawkin amazing
sam : hehe :-D
sam : if i had 300 i would buy you some
SWeEtDrOp3 : aweeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
SWeEtDrOp3 : *melt*
SWeEtDrOp3: sam luvs me!
sam: DUH!
sam: :-P
sam: <3!
SWeEtDrOp3 : <3!
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| ohlord. |
[30 Nov 2004|12:58am] |
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mood |
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the shit ppl try to sell these days.... it just gets to me.... what the fuck is THIS... and I was just looking at some bags up for sale through one of the many communities I'm a part of, and granted the bag ideas were good.. but the quality.. goodlord, I could see the wiggling stitches in the SMALLEST picture, that aint good.
common people, I know you have great ideas but hire a damn seamstress if you have to! I cant believe people are paying $45 for a bag with fucked up seams and lining that is sewn improperly to the bag with threads hanging out all over the place. I just dont get it. what the fuck am I doing man.. I need to get on the ball about producing my stuff. if people are selling bags for $45 with that shitty quality, I can sell mine for $100!! sheesh!
I'm finishing up Alisha's skirt tomorrow, I'll have pics.. it only took me 30mins to cut/sew today, but we gotta get another zipper for it and then I'll serge serge serge. its super cute. then I'm off to sewing marilyn's stuff, gotta finish that ASAP. Then.... THEN... maybe just THEN.... I can work on my patterns, sew some stuff, hire a seamstress for the more complicated designs and get my stuff up on ebay. tired of pushing this dream aside while watching all these non-experienced "DIY DESIGNERS" get $45 for a piece of shite.
heh... yeah...<./end rant>
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| CURVY EXCHANGE! |
[28 Nov 2004|10:03pm] |
join now!! 322 members and growing!! daily posts!!
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| thanksgiving |
[25 Nov 2004|08:30am] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
flying to georgia to visit family. hope you all have a filling thanksgiving weekend :) see ya saturday! xoxo
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| "can you speak australian to us?" |
[21 Nov 2004|06:37pm] |
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mood |
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 ecstatic |
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What can I say, I'm on cloud nine.... last night was purely fucking amazing... beautiful.. heart warming.. soul refreshing... just..... wow. no words can explain how last night made me feel.
The night started off with me feeling so confident with how I looked, I dyed my hair a deeper red and put together a cute ass outfit to match my white pointy toed boots. I felt great. did my eye make up all dark and mysterious...felt yum.
Alisha and I picked up Sam from her house and went to Shauns house to surprise him with a huge balloon, card, and cake for his birthday. he was surprised. we hung out for awhile, eva made us some chocolate cake shots and just chit chatted for a bit. then we headed off to I/O Lounge to get down. we got totally drunk in the car, Stella came by and sat with us for a few minutes, then once Rob showed up with all his boys we got out of the car. all his boys yelled "Happy b-lated birthday!!" to me it was super cute, it started my "birthday" night off right.
immediately I opened a tab and we all stood around outside, finally we stole a bench and some cute guys were sitting across from us. their voices sounded funny so I asked where they were from, Australia. then I went about my normal flirting and talking with alisha and sam and rob and his friends and just goofing off. somehow I ended up sitting in one of the australians seats when he got up, but when he came back I gave it back to him and sat down on the table. I heard one of them talking about it was his birthday and I started going on about it being my birthday too :) and that bit of conversation led into a 4 hour convo with some hot australian boys.
chris in particular had my attention most of the night, he had a lot of simularities to Heath Ledger looks wise. we talked about the environment (he's a biology major and wants to save the environment), stars, cultures, traveling, differences in word use, fashion, curvy girls, music, america, etcetc. I couldn't get over that he was younger then me but I suppose foreigners mature differently then americans. I love having such in depth talks with people about all sorts of things, especially with NEW people... opens your eyes. he said in australia they would call me "beth or Lizzy" for short... the way he said lizzy made me melt .. haha, I love that name now hah. he gave me his phone number, we might be going to a hardcore show together sometime in december.
alisha and sam were giggling about me having a "fan club" apparently.. because there I was sitting with 4 hot guys all talking to me and ignoring everyone else. it felt great. i felt great. I havent had that kind of attention in so long.... I called Chris' room last night after we left and was going to leave a message with my number but his roomie picked up and I left it with him, we'll see if he calls me back I guess.
I dunno I'm just elated, I could go on for hours about last night. .. .talk bout the best fucking birthday ever. I had my girls adoring me, then 4 hot australian boys (accents included!) talking to me..... I dunno, just amazing. purely amazing. I want more!! but just like what my horoscope says... I've already gotten what I've asked for... the best birthday ever with the people I love and a cut-loose-drama-free night..... what more could a girl ask for? ;)
Saturday, November 20, 2004
Elisabeth,
As Mercury aligns with your key planet, Pluto, you are driven to think about the unthinkable. Whatever you've been avoiding is now easily faced. Even if you have been feeling isolated, it's all about to change. But first you'll need to transform your own negativity by accepting those parts of yourself that you've been trying to hide.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
Elisabeth,
You may feel as if something is passing you by now, and as much as you try to grab for it, it isn't yours to keep. This may not be anything material. It may just be time itself that continues to move. Even if things seem a bit hectic, rest assured that you've already received what you asked for. Take it all in stride. One step at a time.
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| polar opposites |
[20 Nov 2004|12:29am] |
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mood |
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I wish I could sleep the weeks my mind decides to have tons of mood swings.
its like some uncontrollable force that just takes over me and makes my world spin into a tornato. every year I hope, this year will be the year that I don't go spinning out of control during the fall (yes, the changes in the sunlight do affect the chemicals in my brain).... ah yes, and every year I'm disappointed. sometimes I wonder what having this illness is supposed to teach me in this life time, or if this illness has anything to do with my lesson in this lifetime. is it to learn severe pain? severe anger? or perhaps happiness that is almost too much? maybe its to learn how to keep myself from losing my mind from this imbalance of chemicals in my brain. I can't see how it wouldnt play a huge part in the lessons I am to learn in this lifetime, it is such a huge part of me and who I am... what my personality has become... how I deal with my life and people.
once again, I find myself wishing and pleaing for me to not be so fucked up. to not have to battle with this struggle on a daily basis. crying on the way home tonight I just kept saying in my head... "I dont want to be fucked up anymore, I dont want to be fucked up anymore" over and over while the Ours song was blasting into the wind. Its so hard sometimes, and other times its painless.. but nothing can make it ever go away. sure medications help tone everything down, but the mood swings are still there from time to time. I still find myself sleeping the days away when I crumble on the inside. I still react to situations with extremes when I shouldnt. I wish they would come up with some kind of method of surgery to fix me.
try fighting against you brain your whole life.... its fucking hard.
aye, I'm worn out from this..
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| p.s. |
[18 Nov 2004|04:58pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
I think the thing that is pissing me off the most is the fact that I'm still thinking bout this and letting it control my emotions. its ruining my week.
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| birthday - hah. right. |
[18 Nov 2004|04:46pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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pissed off |
] |
this whole people dicking me over for my birthday thing is really bothering me. I've been in a bad mood, anxious mood, crying mood, dont want to deal with or see anyone mood... ever since. I just want to turn into the hermit again and hide away from everyone because I know I cant rely on half of them to be reliable or respectful. I wanted the big bang, the final party, the woo-hoo celebration... I even went as far as trying to salvage that for this weekend but other people's plans are already made and theres a chance it will just end up in the same situation as last week. stoned ass muther fuckers not talking more then 5 sentences in a course of two hours, then deciding not to go to the club because they are too fucked up.
now you see why I dislike potheads? I'm over it, them, etc.
I'm so pissed off, annoyed, holding a grudge, hurt, and upset. I feel like the lack of respect from my friends has put me in this gloomy world of negativity... and these fucking clouds hanging around arent helping. I've been laying in my bed all day with my door closed. Thankfully Alisha doesnt take it personally. we did have plans to go out tonight, but do I want to go? no. my frame of mind just isnt there and well, I dont want to ruin the event for Alisha either.
UGH, I'M JUST SO FUCKING PISSED YOU FUCKING IDIOTS. THANK YOU SO FUCKING MUCH FOR RUINING ONE OF THE MOST SPECIAL DAYS IN MY LIFE. I COULD BASH YOUR SKULL IN RIGHT NOW, I COULD RAID YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY AND MAKE IT THE WORST EVER. YOU DONT DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.. TO BE HAVING A BLAST AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY THIS WEEKEND.... WHAT ABOUT ME.. . WHAT ABOUT MINE..THE BIRTHDAY *YOU* RUINED!?!?! you fucking selfish assholes.
this will NEVER be forgotten.
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